Wade's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] Wade [ userinfo | deadjournal userinfo ] [ calendar | deadjournal calendar ]

[08 Aug 2002|04:48am] [ mood | exanimate ] HOLY CHRIST. The... the twins... I came back and... oh, man, oh, man, oh, what'm I gonna tell Mom? What'm I gonna tell Gina's mom? ... oh, man! 4 comments|post comment

[29 May 2002|12:06am] [ mood | dreamy ] [ music | greg johnson - don't wait another day ] Sometimes I wonder what I'll be doin' ten years from now. Twenty-nine. The twins'll be twenty-four and moved out of home. Heck, I'll be moved out of home. I'd like to be married by the time I'm twenty-nine and preferably with at least a start to the family I want. I want a mess of kids. Sometimes it's nice to just lie back and dream up all the silly daydreams you have no time for in the rest of your life, y'know? 4 comments|post comment

[18 May 2002|05:36pm] [ mood | uncomfortable ] [ music | shrieking ] Aaaaargh! Simon switched my conditioner with glue! 5 comments|post comment

[03 May 2002|05:26am] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | the bubbles in livvy's water tank ] I did get flu. It was only a couple of days with the worst of it, an' I think it's mostly all gone by now, I'm just a little tired - but at the middle it was awful! Stayed away from 'Ayya (which was horrible but I couldn't let her get sick, even though she wanted to mother me - we talked on the phone a heap) and looked after the twins, who just looked like they were glad to have the time off school. I went to classes on Monday and tried to go Tuesday, but felt so bad after Theory that I just went home. (I got notes off Calvin and Natty, so I didn't feel too guilty. Just some guilty.) Mom took the day off Wednesday and we all sat in front of the TV watching Danny and Simon play one of their video games, wrapped in blankets and eating soup and goin' through about ten tissue boxes. I was pretty much better and went to afternoon classes on Thursday and I think I'll be fine tonight at work, but I want to sleep. I think I'll take today off - it's only Theory again, and I can make it up later, y'know? Then I can sleep in. I want to call 'Ayya but she's asleep. Should be asleep - I know she stays up late. Missed her this week and it's only been a couple of days, and I talked to her on the phone - but I'm real clingy lately; s'pose it's leftover from what happened. I get all flipfloppy when I hear her voice on the line. I just love her so much. Mmm, an' to end on that line... post comment

[28 Apr 2002|05:24pm] [ mood | mellow ] [ music | pavarotti - nessun dorma ] Got my essay back. B+. Would've gotten an A- but I forgot to footnote; oh, well, I'm happy with the result'n everything, y'know! I think Danny's comin' down with flu. That means Si will as well; they breathe around each other all the time. Hope I don' pass it on to 'Ayya. Mmm, I better hurry up or I'll be late for work... post comment

[18 Apr 2002|05:32pm] [ mood | thankful ] [ music | john browning - rachmaninoff's piano sonata #2 ] Been teased horribly this week and I love it. I feel so relieved. Don't know what to compare the feeling to - it's sort of like when you know you have somethin' horrible comin' up, but then it gets cancelled. Simon keeps on calling me Shiny Happy Wade. Danny doesn't; he jus' looks at me pityingly. They'll get theirs when they fall head over heels for a girl (hopefully not the same one; 'Gina can sort that out). Can't stop smiling. It's good for my job, at least, where I have to smile a bit but now I don't have to forget and pretend. Mmmm. It's good. Been spending every moment I can with 'Ayya, too. Sometimes she just looks up at me and she smiles an' my heart flipflops in my chest. I've managed to be cool with cuddling her (hey, I like cuddling) but I'm still slightly blushy in the kissing arena. (Don't get me wrong, I like that too. Like it. Way too much.) I'd describe it more but a gentleman don't kiss and tell. ^_____~ College is goin' great, too. Composing a piece this month so when I'm not talkin' to Rayya or lookin' after the house or the twins or swimming (summer coming up! Warm water!) or doing homework for other classes or doing patrol work - which is what, four in the morning? ^_~ - I'll be sitting at the piano with a pencil tucked behind one ear being glad my room is soundproofed and covering the top of the piano in notation paper. Being happy makes me hungry. I'm going to go make myself a sandwich. (An' I swear never to touch potato salad again; I ate way too much of it in my bad spots). Then I'll do my work for my tutorial... life is busy and it's good, y'know! post comment

Oh, wow... [12 Apr 2002|01:19am] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | enya - day without rain ] Sorry I haven't updated this in ages - and I know I left you guys all hangin' - it's just seemed like everything whirled around me. I haven't wanted to leave her side. Simon keeps on asking me how I go to the bathroom because I don't stop holdin' her hand. I stuck my tongue out at him. It's official. 'Ayya and I have Made Up. We're friends again. Well, more than friends, y'know? I don't know whether anybody knew but I've had feelings for her for ages. Lots of feelings. I love her. (Feels odd to type it.) I've loved her for ages and I never got the courage to just say it. Until... well, a couple of weeks ago. I did somethin' really, really, really really stupid. Me'n her went out for coffee and instead of taking things slow, starting with 'I like you' or something and workin' up from there, I immediately blurt out how I feel. Everything. Poor 'Ayya - faced with all that in five seconds. She was frightened and she backed off. I was so hurt I backed off totally and refused to talk to her for ages. (Yeah, yeah, I know I'm an idiot.) This went on for a couple of weeks and I was so miserable I jus' wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. Livvy and Jules fought like mad things and then ignored each other; apparently she was in just as bad shape, which still makes me feel horribly, horribly guilty. I'm so sorry for that, Rayya-love. Anyway, she eventually asked me to meet up with her - I said no, then I changed my mind at the last moment and went to go see her. When I did get there, she was flirtin' with a guy who probably knew a good thing when he saw one. Didn' just see red, I was probably seeing magenta. I don' get angry often. Not worth it, hate it. I've always hated it. When I was in grade school I hated it, and I got seen as a sissy because I also grew my hair long and played piano. And sang. (Gee whiz, huh?) That and I was a beanpole who towered at least half a head over everyone an' was as tall as some of the teachers; I got bullied a bit. Tried to ignore it. Thought of daisies and bunnies and kittens while I got called names. But bit by bit I started getting angry, just inside, started wonderin' why I didn't just lose it, what would it matter? Eventually I did lose it, and I punched the head bully in the nose. I broke it. He got sent to the nurse's office. I got sent to the principal's. There was blood all over my knuckles and I was so frightened of what I'd just done I cried like a little kid. Everyone was real nice to me and I got let off after a talk and a bit of a warnin' to take it easy but I never forgot the crunch my fist made on his nose. I never lost it that badly again. Until that moment then with 'Ayya. I went completely crazy. There was this guy makin' kissy-faces at the girl I loved, when I'd been agonizin' over it for weeks and I just lost it. Left. She saw an' ran after me but I just wanted to get home and rip open telephone books or somethin'; stuff happened and I ended up havin' a fight with the guy in question. Proper fists and everythin', and let's just say I've grown a lot bigger since I was in grade school. Nonetheless, I was stupid and had the crud beat out of me to say the least. When I could open my eyes again, there was Rayya. Sweet, beautiful, an' best of all, forgiving. It didn' matter any more that I had blurted everythin' out because she wasn't uncomfortable any more either, and: she cared back. Proper care. Not just always-there-for-you care, which is amazin' and all but not just what I wanted with her. Pretty sure I can count that moment as one of the best in my life. Can't keep this goofy smile off my face. Don't deserve her but she takes me anyway. Don't know what I did to get this but, Lord, thank you. Had the best sleeps of my life this week. I think I'm going to go have another one. Just wanted to keep all of you up-to-date in case you thought something horrible happened. Oh, and 'Gina, thanks for takin' care of my brothers when I was out of action; I know I freaked 'em a little. We're all cool now (though they persist in makin' barfing noises). Love you, Rayya. *bed!* 2 comments|post comment

[31 Mar 2002|11:10pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] I feel like I've been walkin' through a dark tunnel an' now I've just come out into the sun, y'know? I better go to bed. I haven't slept since the day before yesterday and Mom, thank goodness, didn' notice - she was working late. So tired. But a good tired. I'm so excited anyway, God knows how I'm ever gonna get to sleep! post comment

closure [28 Mar 2002|07:26pm] [ music | desperate ] have to see her. Once. Last. Anything. I don't care how she looks at me even if she looks at me the way she did when I told her and I still see that in my nightmares but I have to see her. post comment

[22 Mar 2002|03:46pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | elton john - blue eyes ] Been a busy week. Work. Homework - piles of it; I still have to write out the conclusion on my Romantic/Baroque period essay (and then spellcheck the darn thing!) and practice again for Performance on Monday. Thank goodness it ain't composition - I would've just cracked, no time to write anythin' good, couldn' use my old ones as they're way dated - s'just performance, voice/piano for me. Thanks a bunch, Elton John. If I ever meet y', I'll bake you a chocolate cake or somethin'. (And get your autograph.) I can sing that, at least. Practiced the song ever since I was fifteen. No worries. Don't let me cry on Sunday night, Lord. Please. Don't let it show in my voice the next day. Make it not hurt so much then? I'll weep the night after to make up for it. ... Funny how I passed through the stages so quickly; missed out on 'denial' an' went straight t' 'acceptance'. I accept. Accept that I'm pathetic, accept her answer, accept... everything. Not that that makes it hurt less. I've been getting happier, though, honest. I laughed yesterday at somethin' Simon told me durin' dinner. They looked shocked - didn' think I had laughter in me any more. I do. S'just in a little place deep inside that can't get loose very easy. Laughing helps. So does oodles of potato salad and swimmin' until my eyes are a chlorine-pink aching pain and I can blame them for what would've just been tears. Guys don't cry. S'not right. It's stupid. But then again, Wade, you've always been different, haven't you? Cry at movies. Watch sunsets. Play the piano and sing. Maybe that's why. Never questioned my - my masculinity before, that's the word - because, well, I know I'm a man an' it was just something safe and solid and true. But maybe, maybe I've been wrong all along. Weird. I wish she could tell me... I wish I could see her. Undo what I've done. I think I left some potato salad in the fridge. Gonna go devour it. Then I have a date with my essay. post comment

[16 Mar 2002|04:18pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | beethoven - fifth symphony ] How d'you cope with lovin' someone you lost forever? Please. I need to know. 3 comments|post comment

[12 Mar 2002|01:05am] [ mood | big smile now ] Sometimes I feel like what I'm unhappy about is so insignificant I shouldn' be unhappy 'bout it. It could be so much worse. I see so many people upset about way worse problems, an' it makes me feel like a kid cryin' over a broken toy. Doesn't make me any less unhappy. And, oh, God help me, it makes me angry, I'm getting angry inside these days, for not being someone else, for being me. I wanna stand outside and scream. I want to scream her name and I wanna know whether it'll matter or not. But I can't scream; throat hurts, fingers're so seized up I can barely type. I love my job, but it's murder on my hands. I love it anyway. Don' mind. Don' have any shame any more, do I? Or anything left to lose? Been afraid to say her name, 'cause it'll make the pain real. Not a little boy any more an' the only magic I believe in is the stuff that hurts people, not the sparklin' wish powder. Lord. One last wish. Please be safe, an' happy, an' forget - Rayya, Rayya, Rayyarayyarayyarayya - I really do have no shame, do I? Beggin' on the ground. I'm gonna go out shoppin', with the twins, and put on a big smile. And all this will jus' be me'n my journal's little secret. And hers, too, but she'll never tell. 1 comment|post comment

[09 Mar 2002|01:52pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | fingers running scales ] House is so quiet. Mom's working and the twins tiptoe around me so that I never realize whether they're here're not; they're not here, not in their rooms, so they must've escaped away again to 'Gina. Or something. I don't know. ... can't say I don' care because I care so badly but that's never gotten me anywhere. Getting ready for my first stint tonight. I know my uniform. Know I can handle it - one of the things on the form was strong fingers, isn't that funny? Hair - washed, ponytail, dress shirt, dress pants, jacket but I'll take it off when I'm in, s'hot tonight - Iwishiwishiwishyouwerehere post comment

three-four time, you fill up my senses - [07 Mar 2002|09:03pm] [ mood | quiet ] [ music | my piano - annie's song ] would I die in your arms?

[05 Mar 2002|03:11pm] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | minor A chord ] haven't slept for twenty-four hours. Danny found me this morning at the piano and I didn't realize it but there were blood and blisters all over my fingers and the keys brownish-red and stained and I'd been playing Beethoven, really loud, and I'd frightened them. oh, God. Please. I'm so sorry. Don't you two be afraid of me. I'll be... alright, y'know? Please... just let me keep on playing. It doesn't hurt. He put bandaids over my fingers, the tips, asked me what was wrong, couldn' tell, so he told me to go put it on this journal-thing, so I could get it out but I can't because I'm all plugged up - I'm so sorry. So so sorry. Don' know when to keep my big mouth shut. Should've known beforehand I was bein' stupid. I can' write in this much longer today, I'll break the keyboard - goin' back to my piano, blood or no. Stupid dumb too-young too-honest too-happy Wade...

[04 Mar 2002|12:17am] can't breathe oh oh oh oh - shit

[03 Mar 2002|09:27pm] Goin' out soon. Working night. Oh, well, 'Ayya'll be there, right? An' 'Gina and the rest. ... I think I need to talk to her... Never mind! post comment

[02 Mar 2002|02:38pm] [ mood | energetic ] [ music | extreme - more than words ] Hey, everyone. Hope you all have a cool weekend, y'know? Mom came home this weekend as she's finished her tender and she got it and so we all went out to dinner. She was really happy but she looked so tired. I wish she'd stop workin' so hard - she's the original workaholic an' no matter what she says I know she sleeps in the office a lot. She lives on coffee and danishes and I always leave some food for her to heat up when she gets home but she forgets to eat. She's still beautiful, though. Oh, an' I found a job! I'll tell you guys more about the details later when it's all fixed but my piano teacher got it for me; she said it'd be a good experience, y'know? More about that later... Mmm, what else have I been up to this week that I can tell you about? I've been keepin' in a tight rein on the twins and they've been calling Regina nicely. Good. Other than that, been pretty sedate - Livvy's been a bit quiet but other than that it's all good, and I have some piano exams coming up but apparently I'm ready. (Whenever anybody says that I get nervous.) Hmm, lessee - I went swimming, did work, cooked, boring things... Not much. I think I'm gonna go weed the garden. It looks a little depressed. And then maybe call 'Ayya... 1 comment|post comment

[26 Feb 2002|03:17pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | enya - a day without rain ] Came in from my shower last night and who was sittin' in my room but 'Ayya? (It was a really nice surprise once I was sure I wasn't gonna drop my towel.) We just had a really nice talk. She's so sweet to talk to - makes you relax immediately. Awful flatterer o'course but we love her for that, don' we? I'd forgotten how nice it was just to sit, an' talk. I put some jeans on so I could stop lookin' like the stop part of a traffic light an' she brushed my hair for me. Put it in a braid. Still have it in. Pretty cool, if I do say so myself. Nice not to have wisps over my back. Maybe I should wear it this way more often. Wonder if it'd make swimming easier? Havin' it loose sometimes makes it drag but luckily my hair is thin... Geez. Whole paragraph just about my darn hair. The twins've been drinkin' a lot of milk lately. Hmm, I wonder why? 5 comments|post comment

[25 Feb 2002|09:55pm] I need a cold shower. post comment

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